Last weekend about 25 people from our church attended an Improvisational Training Workshop at SAK Comedy Lab. One of the great principles of improv that we were taught was the "Yes . . . and. . ." To keep the flow of improvisation going and not "block" progress, one of the most insightful processes is to use "Yes . . . and . . ." Instead of arguing or disagreeing or creating unnecessary grinding of gears, you simply are taught to go with the flow. Even if you have no intention of going where they are taking you, you still start with "Yes!" It is very affirming to hear that "yes." Maybe what makes the process work well is that it is not "Yes . . . but . . ." rather "Yes . . . and . . ." This affirms the story or conversation or idea that is given, then adds a new thought or directs to it without opposition.
As I was in the training, I wondered how many arguments and minor wars with our children could have been avoided with "Yes . . . and . . ." Imagine telling a teenager to go clean their room, and they explain that they have plans and will do it later. No war! “YES, you have great plans for a fun evening, AND it will feel so good to come home to a clean room rather than a messy one!” or “YES, I'm sure you’re going to have a great time, AND you'll want to hurry with your room so you won't be late!”
Sometimes I almost interfere in the parenting processes I observe in public places. Just this week I was in a drug store, and there was this obnoxious mother yelling at her kids to stop harmless behaviors. Of course, they were ignoring her, and so she just yelled more often and louder. The ridiculousness is that the kids weren't doing anything wrong. How great it would be for her, maybe in her mind, to play "Yes . . . and . . ." The kids wouldn't even need to know. She sees one of her children sit down on the floor while they wait for her to shop. She could freak out about germs; she might yell. Alternately, maybe even just in her mind she might say, "YES, it's fine to sit on the floor, AND as soon as we get home you'll want to wash your hands.”
It just seems that, in so much of life (even in areas we might think inappropriate), if we started with "Yes," we could direct the flow of thought and choice. Then by the "and,” healthy strides would be taken forward instead of getting mired down in an argument – often from our selfish ignorance.
So, in conversation with our children, in school with the teacher, talking to the repair person, hearing the diagnosis from the doctor, or directives from our employer, I say we start with a rousing “YES . . .” quickly followed by "AND . . .” We may find this non-resistant conversational tool opening doors to new possibilities and wonderful collaborations of which we never dreamed. What do you say? Oh, Yes . . . and . . .
Andy McDonald
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