Marriages are in trouble in this country. The divorce rate is around 50%. In addition, there are a large number of
couples whose marriage is broken and bears no resemblance to what they think
marriage should be, but they choose not to divorce. It is obvious that there is a problem, and
there are many ideas as to why. What is
the biggest threat to marriage? Is it
the "ease" of divorce (often said by those who have never experienced
divorce)? Is it gay marriage? Facebook?
Texting? Online dating? Separate bank accounts? The proliferation of women working outside
the home?
In the course of my schooling for marriage and family
therapy, I've heard many stories of failed marriages. In those stories, any number of these reasons
may be mentioned, but they are never the real issue. The greatest threat to our marriage is
ourselves. Whatever the symptom,
whatever the outside influences, the core of the issue lies in one or both of
the people in the marriage (most often it's both).
A marriage doesn't end because one person was browsing an
online dating site and "found their soul mate." The marriage ended because this person was
unhappy and insecure in their marriage.
And most likely that unhappiness and insecurity was because of conflict
and problems in the marriage that were not dealt with. We are really bad at dealing with conflict in
a constructive way. It's easier to
attack or retreat. Both of these methods
eat away at the fabric of the relationship.
You can't repair the relationship without dealing with the problem, so
instead we retreat. We retreat into our
work, or Facebook, or a bottle, or whatever.
And when the marriage fails, we say the other person was a workaholic or
an alcoholic or had an affair. But these
external things are not the problem. The
real problem is us. We're not willing to
deal with our problems because doing so requires an uncomfortable examination
of ourselves and our issues. So we blame
something else.
In Matthew 15, Jesus says something similar. The Pharisees were complaining about the
disciples not washing their hands when they ate. Jesus said it's not what goes into a person
that defiles them (i.e., things from outside), it's the things that come out
from a person that defiles them.
"For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual
immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
These are what defile a person" (Matthew 15:19-20). It's easier to blame something outside of
ourselves, but that's not the real issue.
Take a hard and uncomfortable look at yourself. Pray for God's guidance. How are you contributing to the problem? Then talk about it with your spouse or with a
counselor. These conversations will
begin to rebuild the intimacy and move your marriage towards the blessing God
intended it to be.
Chad Hess
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